Last Day in Taiyuan, Shanxi

Last Day in Taiyuan, Shanxi – Onward to Beijing


Outside of the evening’s exorcism, the next day was fairly low to do, Mary was a fair bit out of sorts throughout the day – very clingy and needy, crying, and really just wanted to be held –All Day Long – Every…Single...Minute. Watching a child grieve is heartbreaking to watch. As an adult you feel utterly helpless to comfort your child, and you can only imagine what must be going on in her little head and heart. Short version – grief sucks. I think the other hard part, as the parent (side note: we completely understand this is immensely harder for Mary Dan Dan) is trying to remain calm in the storm of emotions for Dan Dan, especially when you do not know how long this particular episode will last (minutes, hours, days, or even weeks).

Dan Dan did well for the morning for breakfast (have we mentioned she is a champion eater), but we did get to try the light switch at nap time again… It was eerie the way she reacted to that crib – even getting her inside the bars would set her off - On the bed again and silence. One of us contemplated a game to play with this reaction but was summarily vetoed by the powers that be… (In the crib, out of the crib, in the crib, out of the crib…) Me thinks my divorce would be the least of my worries… :)

On the other end of the spectrum, the plane ride that evening was completely uneventful from Taiyuan to Beijing – It was only about 50 minutes long, and I think we spent longer in the airports than on the plane. We were very happy to return to Beijing and meet up with some of our group travel companions. Most of us filtered in throughout the day… I think the last ones got in at midnight – Thankfully not us.

Until Tomorrow – or well, later anyway… :)

The camera did not see much action today, but I can pass along a successful grief coping mechanism... LIQ - OUR... :)

(to the MIC - KEY Mouse tune...)

Gentlemen... Start your engines...

Gentlemen… Start your engines…


Well, Thursday was a glimpse into Shanxi’s past with a trip to the Provincial Museum…. I can definitely say that given some more time here I would like to see a couple more things… The Hanging Temples are here (close to Datong) and they look amazing… The pics I have of the museum model does not do them justice… Suffice to say – you take an ancient monastery (like 1500 years old) and attach it to the side of a rock face –Many, Many metres in the air (75 I think) with basically cantilevers and not much else… There are many other pagodas and temples all over the province with many flavours of religions and histories that one could spend a good deal of time trying to visit.

The museum was the “big outing” of the day, so the rest of the afternoon (after naps) we trucked around the local streets to see what could be seen. It was still brisk, so we really did not put on too many miles, but it was nice to get out and about for a bit. Grabbed a bit of dinner and then returned to try and get some shut-eye for the following day of travel back to Beijing… Only an hour flight, but Miss Muffett has never flown before so you never know. This is where the wheels came off the bus…

After three successful nights and naps putting Mary down, this was not to be on night number four. Can you say shriek like a banshee?? I knew you could… We tried to put Mary down for the night in her crib and she was having N.O.N.E. of that… Wailed like we were performing an exorcism (which the neighbours actually thought we might have been) with fits of kicking and flailing and screaming all thrown into one. Was not a pretty sight really, so up she went to be comforted again (and try to calm her down) but as soon as she got close to the crib it was like a light switch – and we were off again. This pattern continued for about an hour and twenty minutes with no change in behavior, until we laid her down at the end of our bed to re-swaddle her and it was like the another light switch – all was quiet… Whatever needs to be done… she was quiet… So, we boxed her in with some chairs so she would not fall off, and we also tried to get some sleep. When I say would not fall it should probably be SHOULD not fall… Thump in the night (she can really roll around this kid when she is unfettered) and down she goes. More tears :( but a quick recovery and back onto the bed… Same light switch still works… :) So, needless to say the next few bedtimes will be putting all of us to the test… We will see what needs to happen for the rest of the week and when we return home… Keep your fingers crossed :)

...If I need to find a Catholic priest to do some quick work do I have to pay him LOA? Let's see if we get banned from the hotel first... 

Like I said - The pics I took of the model do this place no justice... Here it is and I must return to check it out :)

Starting to get more smiles... Jie Jie is pulling her weight :)

Daddy can even manage to coax a few out of Mary too...

Dressed for a cool outing

Here is our hotel in Tiayuan

One of the historic pagodas that are also in Shanxi - 900 years old and the tallest solid wood pagoda well, anywhere... :)

A little Buddhism as well...

Back at the hotel getting a little play time in

Sharing is coming along fairly nicely

Say Cheese....

Did you see which way they went????



Something, Something, Something... The Sequel

Four Hours – The Sequel…


After a hard night’s sleep – emphasis on ‘hard’… The bed was something akin to a wood box with a sheet on it…. We politely asked Verena in the morning if her bed was as “firm” as the hotel’s. She informed us that her bed at home is even firmer – made of bricks… They use bricks so they can heat the bed at night with coal or some such combustible… The bricks are also supposed to help make your back straight and strong according to Mao… She was not convinced of this :).

After we checked out of the hotel we drove to the Datong Social Welfare Institute to see where baby Dan Dan spent some of her life. We were well received by the orphanage workers and were allowed to take pictures and video of the rooms and Dan Dan’s friends and caretakers . We have a fair collection of pictures and some nice videos of her and the nannies and her friends… Something we hope she can enjoy in the future. The pics here are the ones mostly of the orphanage – no kidlets or nannies (well, aside from ours of course :)… )

After the orphanage we headed back through Datong, which got me some more shots of some of the history of the city with the old walls, towers and the like – Right in the middle of the city… Did I mention that this place was old? Then the gravol express started up again, and we were off back to Taiyuan to try and get back to some “comfy” beds… (I will use comfy loosely – I had a great sleep on the box, but Joyanne, not so much… You know how it goes… Happy wife… blah blah blah… :)

Made it back to the hotel and got everything (re)organized for the next couple nights. We are going to visit the Shanxi Provincial Museum tomorrow (Thursday) and get a look at some more of the history of the province. The girls survived the trip pretty well, and were glad to get out of the van… Stayed in our hotel room and played for the remainder of the afternoon/evening… Did a couple laps around the block, but it is a bit chilly for walking (about 0-5 degrees or so, but windy…) Stay tuned…

Something, something, something… You know – The Sequel :)

(…At least Kev will get it…) :)

Still so serious... as Sylvie tries to put herself into a drawer... :)

Taking a little time out to colour...

Peek-A-Boo... Sylvie still loves mirrors...

A view of the orphange from the roadway - The red roofs in the forefront on the left

Mary Dan Dan in her old bed (and helper behind as you can see...)

Some colour-coodrinated eating options...

One of the play rooms in the facility - There were several different areas that the children would play/practice/learn

Outside is a courtyard... Seems to be a little green space.

The common courtyard between all the complexes

This is where the older children live at the orphanage.

This is a mural on the wall that is outside...

 I tried to get this to reflect right in the picture - I think it speaks for itself

A fast shot of one section of old wall that is in the centre of the city

Children's Gravol ad #1....

 ...and ad #2... :)



A Four Hour Tour...

A Four Hour Tour….


(I know what you’re singing now… :)

Well, we were told it would be a four hour tour to Datong – where Mary’s orphanage is. It is actually only three hours to Datong – and then another hour to navigate the traffic :). So… four hours it was… with two little ones under three… Any secrets? Yes…. Children’s Gravol :) Some for you, and some for you… and nighty-night for at least an hour and a half anyways… Happy travelers.

Why Datong you ask? Well, turns out we got a referral from a city that you have to apply for the baby's passport when you are actually IN the child’s city. A photocopy or fax is not good enough – they need to see the original Adoption Order – ergo a four hour tour. So, we made arrangements to stay the night and visit Mary’s orphanage tomorrow to see where she spent some of her life which was something we could not do with Sylvie’s orphanage.

Let’s just say the further that you get away from the major centres the tougher it is to communicate. We had an interesting time trying to order a bit of room service for dinner here, which required a nice man to come up with a menu with pictures (actually very common to order from for anyone – that’s apparently how it’s done) Not that Datong is small – I think Verena (our guide) said that it was a measly three million people… But not a lot of foreigners here… Oh, and smog (or smelter smoke for all you Bomber-town lovers) that would put the Flon to shame. The second largest coal electrical plant Is here in Datong – quite a site… Looks like the opening scene from The Simpsons but on a much, much grander scale. Also got to see a piece of the original Wall – like the Great Wall, but older… I think Verena said that the history of Shanxi could be dated back past 5000 years… The oldest province in China apparently ;)

Mary Dan Dan is still a very quiet, serious little girl. She has been much more successful drinking from her sippy cup today – especially when juice is involved… Water is apparently not the motivator juice is :). She is still a champion eater and is willing to try just about anything we give her. We are starting to get a little bit more eye contact from Dan Dan and she seems very interested in Sylvie running around the room - She is still more of an observer than a participant but she will let Sylvie lead her around by the hand, so there will definitely be more.

Sylvie has been quite the little traveler and has been doing fantastic at becoming a jie jie (big sister). Everyone here is so impressed with her English speaking skills – being that she is only two and change. We all know she is a child star in the making but I think all the attention may go to her head… :) We’ll see if we can’t arrange some sort of early retirement with her as our breadwinner.

Until tomorrow…

C & J & S & M (Not S & M in the way YOU are thinking…. This is ‘G’ rated)
…So if the Professor could build a radio out of coconuts – Why couldn’t he get their dumb asses off the island?

A little feeding before we head off to complete the adoption

All the girls at the government office where we are finishing paperwork

A group shot with the workers from the orphanage

On the road - Who knew there would be a 6.5 km tunnel in the mountain??

 Here is a glimpse of the original piece of the wall - Made of clay and not brick like the Great Wall

 The Simpsons.... Dah da da de dah da da de dah dah

 Here are the girls in the hotel lobby in Datong - They trucked around in there for a while.

 The view from our hotel room in Datong - A lot of construction work is going in the city

And then there were four…. :)


It is amazing what the body can do without sleep – It is even more amazing the command the same body has on you when it is going to shut down…. :) What may be perceived as being lax on updating the blog (Hi Kim :)…) is really more like jet lag, juggling, and Jumanji all thrown together at once.

We arrived safe and sound in Taiyuan after our 4:00am start – only a one hour flight this time around in-country which was nice because it gave us a little bit of family nap time in the morning before we headed off to meet Mary. Got to enjoy some of the local traffic on the way to the government office to receive Mary – Surprisingly only one pedestrian bounced off the van during rush hour… :) Anyone who says the Chinese cannot drive have absolutely not seen what the traffic is like here. Heck, even the “accidents” that we have seen have no visible damage to the vehicles… Nothing compared to home, where you can count on something getting crushed… But I digress… :)

We waited in the government office for about 20 minutes before Mary arrived – Filling out all the requisite paperwork and such and then whoosh…. In come three babies with nannies (there were two other families there receiving children btw)… and there we have our Baby DanDan – Leopard print pants and all :) So, here are some of the first pics of all the girls together – Sylvie was a bit out of sorts for a bit, but did fall back into her caring ways with back rubs for baby to make sure everything was OK. The paperwork continued for about 20 more minutes and then we were “done”… The actual adoption does not take place until tomorrow (Tuesday).


We came back to the hotel and ordered room service for dinner. Baby Dan Dan was happy to eat noodles for dinner and accepted any food we offered her (cherrios, crackers). We are still trying to figure out how to get her to drink a bit more fluids. We brought bottles, Nuby soft tip sippy cups and a couple other type sippy cups. We cut the hole bigger in the nipple of her bottle and by pushing on the bottle liner we seem to be able to get her to drink a little bit. She definitely knows how to use the bottle and sippy cup, it just takes her quite a while to drink a little bit. Her palate is definitely intact, but her bilateral cleft seems to be giving her a bit of a challenge trying to chew on the nipple.

We spent the evening hanging out on the bed together getting to know each other. Baby Dan Dan has been very quiet all evening, she has not cried once. Actually, none of the babies brought to the Adoption affairs office cried at all during our time there. She did have one little giggle with Sylvie, where her face all scrunched up and she kicked her feet on the bed alongside Sylvie. It was heartwarming to see this, even if it was for a brief glimpse, hopefully tomorrow she will open up a little more.

**Quick update, Baby Dan Dan sleep all through the night, from 7:30 until 6:30 this morning when we woke her up to go and get some breakfast. The same cannot be said Sylvie and Daddy, who were awake at 3:30 this morning (thank you jet lag).

Ni Hao! Greetings from Beijing!

Ni Hao! Greetings from Beijing!

We left Kelowna bright and early Friday morning BC time - Thanks Brent for the lift :). We met our friends Shea and Karla at the airport to start the first leg of our journey.

                                                              Waiting for our first flight....

                                                  

                                                      Karla and Shea....soon to be parents!

Had a quick flight to Vancouver and enjoyed lunch together at Milestones.

Waitng for our flight at the Vancouver airport

Funny guys....

Met a few other travel companions in the airport and boarded our flight for Beijing… The 12 hour flight…. Wheeeeee…. Sylvie did great on the plane and managed to nap for about three hours.



 Watching movies with Daddy...

We arrived in Beijing at about 4:00pm on Saturday – no Delorean required. We met our guide and were whisked away to our hotel where we proceeded to summarily crash (sorry about no blog update – the 27 hour uptime took its toll…) Today is Sunday evening – and something to kind of look forward to is that they do not change the clocks here – so hey…. We’re only what 14 hours out of sorts now??? YAY!

                                                       Sylvie and Lilah meet up again!

We managed to get a good sleep in last night and got a good buffet breakfast into us this morning. After breakfast, the plan was to get money exchanged for all of our dealings here, which for some reason took a visit to THREE different banks… That pretty much ate up most of our morning… We grabbed a quick McDonalds lunch on the fly and taught a couple of our travelmates how to order from the Golden Arches – Nothing more complicated than pointing at the picture for those of you playing at home. Returned to the hotel and everyone got a bit of a nap in.

                                                    

                                        Cory & Tim (Lilah's Dad) checking out their phones



Tonight we all headed out for a nice Chinese dinner – in total there were about 20 of us in the group. This is the last dinner together before everyone heads out tomorrow to travel to the various provinces to meet their children. So, we are heading off to bed now to try to also get some sleep before our 4:00am wakeup call (wheeee…)









Family and Friends Do's and Don'ts

I am posting this list once again as a reminder to our family and friends on what to expect when Mary comes home. 

Mary has been in care for over 2 years. We have no idea what her care has been like there or what her day to day routine is. We don't know anything about the nannies and how much affection or attention or discipline she has had. She doesn't have food whenever she wants it. She likely doesn't leave the orphanage very often and has probably rarely been in a vehicle. She is not used to a consistent caregiver. Children in care may appear to adjust fairly well and quickly, but developing a secure attachment with their new family can take a very long time.

The goal is to help Mary learn what a family is, how parents take care of their children, and who is in her immediate family. There will be many things we will do to help foster attachment to each other, and each thing we do is one tiny piece that connects together to form the larger picture (thus my puzzle clip art! Ok, I can see you are not impressed with my metaphor...sigh).

One thing we plan to do is to cocoon with Mary for awhile when we get back home. We will stay in the house as much as possible with just our family. To help build her trust and security in us as her parents, Mary will always be with Cory or I and we will be the only ones to take care of her needs. This means that only Cory and I will be carrying, holding and/or picking Mary up. We will be the only ones to feed her, change her diaper (if she is still using diapers) and giving her physical comfort.  Once again, our focus is on helping Mary learn what a family is, how parents take care of their children, and who is in her immediate family. 

This will be remarkably similar to how we parented Sylvie when she joined our family. Cory and I consider ourselves lucky to be surrounded by supportive family and friends who respect our parenting philosophy. Please remember we are making these decisions based on what is best for Mary, not for others (like any good parent does). We know that when Sylvie came home many friends and family asked how long it would be before they could pick up, or take care of her and likely, many will ask this same question again with regards to Mary. Our answer then is the same now - we'll let you know.

The following is a list of Do's and Don'ts that has been provided to adoptive parents to help family members and friends understand what to do to be supportive, and what not to do. We hope you find this helpful... 

Do...

1. Trust the parent's instincts. Even a first time parent may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to "normal" behavior.

2. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the parent to see and understand.

3. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.

4. Allow the parents to be the center of the child's world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.

5. Tell the baby child every time you see her what a good/loving/safe mommy/daddy she has.

6. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the child looks like she really wants to be with Grandma, for example, she needs to have a strong attachment to her parents first. Something as simple as passing the child from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a child who is not "attached" can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents' requests.

7. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

8. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many children do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!

Don't...

1. Assume an child is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment.

2. Underestimate a new mother's instincts that something isn't right.

3. Judge the parent's parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

4. Make excuses for the child's behaviors or try to make the parents feel better by calling certain behaviors "normal". For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.

5. Accuse the parents of being overly sensitive or neurotic. They are in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.

6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You will be asked not to hold the child. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the child who her mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child's experience has been that mommies and daddies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the child before she has accepted her forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.

7. Put your own time frames on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn't understand...after all, the child had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.

8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the child up every time she cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time she cries. She needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of her and always keep her safe.

9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.

10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.